Rating : PG-13 for mildly blue language and innuendo-laden sexual discussion
Disclaimer: The characters Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Darth Maul are the product of the fevered imagination of George Lucas and are owned solely by him. The Author, who, sadly, is not being paid for this story, promises to hand-wash them gently in hot, sudsy water and put them back where she found them when she is finished.
Summary: An alternate history story. Thirty-five years after the Duel of the Fates ended in a draw, the three opponents meet again for a final pissing match.
Feedback: Please send feedback to Darth Krispies
Initial posting: On dmeb2.
Contingency #1: The Wages of Sith.
Obi-Wan sighed patiently and pushed the glass across the table to Qui-Gon. "Master, if you want me to understand what you're saying, you're going to have to put your teeth in."
Qui-Gon glared blearily at his former apprentice and fished the teeth out of the glass. Obi-Wan looked away, trying to ignore the revolting sucking noises, and concentrated on lush green lawns and flowered hedges surrounding the Jedi Assisted Living and Recuperation Center. Lord, it was depressing. Better Qui-Gon should have died in battle years ago than be stuck in this place.
"I said, when do I get to go back home? This place sucks dewlap dung. The food is terrible and the nurses treat me like a cranky three year old." At least Qui-Gon was having one of his good days. That made it a little easier. He was still very powerful and could often see the future clearly, but had some trouble connecting with the present.
"Master, as I've explained before, you cannot go back to your hermitage on Tatooine." These, er, spells of yours require that you be watched and cared for. Besides, this is a very nice place, much better than that desert rat-hole you've lived in for the last thirty years." Obi-Wan had seen all too much of Tatooine in the last year. Three times he had to drop his duties as head of the Council to haul Qui-Gon out of that sleazy bar in Mos Eisley. The last time, the ancient Jedi had wandered in buck-naked, for gods sake, waving his lightsaber around and nearly cutting off some guy's arm. That had been the final straw, and Obi-Wan bowed to the inevitable and had his old master forcibly settled in here to finish out his life.
"Huh. You think little Ani would stop by and see his old teacher. He'd probably let me go home. He wouldn't make me stay anywhere I didn't want to. When's he coming?"
"I'm certain Ani will come and visit you when his schedule allows. He is a very busy man, you know."
Obi-Wan kept to himself the fervent hope that the Emperor Darth Skywalker would not in fact visit again. Qui-Gon had been terribly upset last time, not quite understanding the perfect balance of light and dark in his former padawan. Like most of the Jedi all those years ago, Qui-Gon had somehow assumed that "bringing balance to the Force" meant "the Jedi win, the Sith go extinct", when in fact what the Emperor had done was to reconcile the two sides, taking the best of both and developing a new philosophy. This so-called Balanced Path was extremely popular with the younger Jedi, but many of the older ones had opted for solitary retirement. Obi-Wan had stayed, but in his deepest heart he kept true to the old teachings.
The two sat for a few moments, Obi-Wan wondering how soon he could politely leave, Qui-Gon chewing his beard and mumbling incoherently to himself. They were interrupted by one of the attendants.
"Well, how nice your friend is visiting right now, Mister Jinn" she chirped, bright and birdlike. Well, she could hardly help it, what with the beak and those feathers.
"That's 'Master' and 'Qui-Gon', you daft girl" snapped Qui-Gon.
Obi-wan had a sudden, uncomfortable premonition. Or maybe it was the seafood chowder from lunch. Age had not been kind to Obi-Wan's digestive system.
"We have an old friend of yours here for a couple days. Matron thought you might like some company, so she is having him room with you." The attendant turned back to the building.
"I have a bad feeling about this." Obi-wan said, then mentally cursed himself for uttering the banality.
The attendant returned, ushering in a menacing, black-clad figure, limping slightly and leaning on a cane. Obi-Wan stood up quickly, as Qui-Gon began sputtering with rage, nearly losing his teeth.
"Here we are. Isn't this a nice surprise? I know you'll want to catch up, so I'll leave you three to it!" The attendant hopped back into the building, good deed done for the day.
"Lord Maul" Obi-Wan inclined his head a fraction of an inch.
"Master Kenobi" Maul inclined his head just a tiny amount less.
"Hssflguh!" Qui-Gon's face was turning red as he struggled to stand, reaching for a lightsaber he was no longer allowed to carry. Not since he cut three of his fingers off last month. Obi-Wan turned to quiet him.
"It's all right, Master. The Sith are no longer our enemies, remember?" Obi-Wan smiled tightly. "They are" Obi-Wan gritted his teeth and forced out the hated words "merely adherents to a different but no less valid path than our own. And, as we are all former teachers of the Emperor, we should remain civil." Qui-Gon subsided, muttering under his breath. Obi-Wan leaned over him. "I'm sorry, Master, what did you say?"
Maul grinned offensively. "I believe he said ‘why hasn't someone killed that supercilious bastard'."
Obi-Wan said stiffly "Surely you must be mistaken, my lord. Master Qui-Gon would never use such language."
Maul ignored the obvious lie and seated himself in the chair recently vacated by Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan schooled himself to patience, and took the remaining seat next to Qui-Gon. He would be polite if it killed him. It was his duty as head of the council to set a good example of tolerance.
Maul studied the other two insolently, his smile almost, but not quite, a sneer of contempt. "So, this withered wreck is truly Master Qui-Gon? I would never have recognized him. You, Obi-Wan at least have about you the remains of the Jedi you once were."
Obi-Wan flushed slightly, feeling a wholly inappropriate surge of anger. He was all too aware of his own fleshy jowls and the heaviness of his aging body. And Qui-Gon, well, 30 years of desert asceticism had left him with a gaunt body and visage that could be charitably described as jerky gone bad. Maul, on the other hand, looked scarcely 5 years older than he had the first time Obi-Wan had seen him. Sure, there was the gimp leg (probably just an upgrade to an old cyberprosthetic, a temporary inconvenience), but other than that he gave off the vitality of youth.
The anger gave way to resentment. It seemed very wrong to Obi-Wan that Maul had not gone the way of the old Emperor, Palpatine. Now there was a real wreck, eaten up from the inside, a total physical disaster on the outside. That was supposed to be the result of choosing the Dark Path. Not excellent health, the respect of the new Emperor, and apparently eternal youth.
"Never forget that it was the teachings of Qui-Gon that laid the foundations of the Emperor's character, my lord. None of the rest of us did more than simply add to what my master had already built." Obi-Wan did a quick mental exercise to get rid of the lingering resentment.
"Turned him into a twerp, you mean. Not unlike the job he did on you. Fortunately, my own master was able to reverse enough of the boy's irritating self-righteousness to give him stability. And the sex helped, of course. Nothing like a good roll to give a little meaning and perspective to a growing boy's outlook." Maul smiled at the rising color on Obi-Wan's face. It had always been easy to push Obi-Wan's buttons. "Not that you would know much about that, of course."
Qui-Gon spoke up clearly for the first time. "He's got you there, Obi. You always were an awful prude. Got some damn fool notion about keeping yourself pure. Sure didn't pick that up from me." He turned to Maul. "Remember those handmaidens the Empress used to have around her all the time back in the old days? Heh heh."
"Who could forget the handmaidens? Bored, nubile young women with too much time on their hands. Did you have a favorite?"
Qui-Gon gave a wheezy laugh. "I sort of fancied the little blond, but she was pining for young Obi-Wan here."
"Ah yes, the blond. What was her name? No matter. I actually have to thank you for that one, Master Obi-Wan. Apparently you said something about her being a polluting influence. Destroyed her sense of self worth far more quickly than I could have. Not the best lay in the bunch, but certainly the easiest." Maul looked back at Qui-Gon and smiled evilly. "Of course, the little girls were nothing compared to a more mature, experienced woman, eh?
Obi-Wan, mortified about the old handmaiden business (gods, would no one let him live that down?) was surprised to see Qui-Gon start to shake with rage again.
"Don't you talk about her! Don't you dare say her name! You randy prick, you destroyed her innocence!" Qui-Gon lunged across the table at Maul, knocking over the vase of flowers and dislodging his teeth. Obi-Wan moved quickly to intervene before Qui-Gon fell and broke a hip.
Attracted by the disturbance, a medical attendant came across the grass to see what all the noise was about. Even Obi-Wan could not help but notice that she was extremely attractive.
"Gentlemen, is there some problem? Oh dear, Master Qui-Gon, have we lost our teeth again?" Her eyes moved professionally over the group, coming back a second time to Maul. She smiled, a trifle more warmly than Obi-Wan thought was required. "Lord Maul, I had heard you would be with us for a few days. I hope you are comfortable?" She took a prescription pad and pen from her pocket and scribbled something quickly, tearing off the sheet and handing it to him. "You might need this. In case you find yourself unable to sleep. Master Qui-Gon, do we need to go back to our room for a nap?"
Obi-Wan couldn't help himself – he stole a look at the "prescription" before Maul folded it and tucked it into a black glove. "10:00 behind the azaleas – I'll bring the handcuffs". Resentment burned a little higher.
"Don't need a nap. I'm fine. Leave me alone". Qui-Gon slumped back in his chair, his watery blue basilisk gaze fixed on Maul. The attendant nodded and left, turning a last professional smile on the group. Obi-Wan found himself staring at her retreating backside and thinking glumly of handmaidens in clingy orange dresses. With handcuffs.
"Really Qui-Gon, I cannot believe you're still upset over that business with Shmi. You should learn to put these things behind you." Maul steepled his fingers and looked at Qui-Gon with mock concern. "Dear me, you really didn't think you were her one and only, did you? We are talking about "get it for free" Shmi here. She was practically a public utility on that dried up little planet."
"Shmi? Skywalker? The Emperor's mother? You and you, you both were, were..." Obi-Wan was shocked.
"Having it off with her? I'm afraid so. Her reputation for virginity came rather late in the game."
"But I loved her. I was ready to give up the whole Jedi thing for her" Qui-Gon said resentfully. "That's why I went back to Tatooine. I was all set to buy her freedom and marry her, then I find out she's been shacking up with Maulie here. Letting him stay at her place when he had to lie low. The two-timing bitch."
"Ten or eleven-timing, actually. Took in quite a few wandering fugitives in her time. Very giving woman, our Shmi. Her granddaughter quite takes after her, you know."
Obi-Wan stood up. "Oh, no, you are not going to convince me that my goddaughter has ever had anything to do with you. Leia has far too much sense to risk her future that way. Besides, she's only 19." Then he remembered – rumor had it the Emperor had brought Maul in to tutor the girl last year, to "balance out" the training she had received under Obi-Wan's tutelage.
It was generally accepted that of the Emperor's two children, Leia was the sharper. Luke would be a fine Jedi in time, but Leia had the brains and political acumen in the family. She had left off training in the Jedi temple some years before to learn directly from her father. There was no doubt in anyone's mind who would take the reins of power when he chose to set them aside.
Maul smiled. "Our little princess, so unlike her brittle, decorative, unstable mother. Twice the intelligence, twice the curves, and a left-hook a man can really respect." Maul paused, rubbing his chin and reflecting briefly on the circumstances under which she had managed to land that left-hook, not to mention the stimulating lesson in respect that had followed immediately after. Yes, a very promising pupil. Maul was nearly certain there would be another Sith on the imperial throne before too long. "What's more, she seems to have inherited her grandmother's taste for, shall we say, adventurers?" He leered at Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan was infuriated. Without thinking, he unhooked his lightsaber, intent only on cutting down this insolent Sith. Maul laughed, not even bothering to stand.
"Do you really think you're in any shape to face me? Do you think you'll fare any better than the last time we crossed sabers?" Maul looked intently at Obi-Wan's face, his hand moving casually to his own weapon.
Qui-Gon spoke up, suddenly lucid again. "That fight was undecided. If we had finished, you would have been at the bottom of a melting pit in two pieces. I sensed it"
Maul sneered. "I find that extremely unlikely. Especially since I saw you dead at my feet, Jedi, with a smoking hole in your liver.
Qui-Gon looked surprised "Really? But if you killed me, who killed you?"
Maul and Qui-Gon looked at Obi-Wan for a second, remembering…
The looked back at each other. "Nah, couldn't be" "Nope, not a chance"
Maul stood. "We must have been looking at two different possible futures. But we'll never know for sure, thanks to golden boy hitting just the wrong part of the generator and blowing half the city to pieces."
Obi-Wan put his lightsaber away. He didn't bother to mention that he had sensed them both dead, and himself the only survivor all those years ago, but that had probably not a possible future, just wishful thinking. They should have died back there, but all three survived, thanks to the containment fields. Things might have been very different. Or not. What was it Yoda used to say? Always in motion is the future. It was hard to imagine what might have happened if that fight had been fought to a conclusion. Obi-Wan sat down heavily.
Maul stretched and looked around, picking up his cane. "I think I'll take a turn around the park. Perhaps have one of those efficient attendants point out the azaleas. Master Kenobi, Master Qui-Gon". He turned away and strolled down the hill, the limp already nearly gone.
Qui-Gon stared after him for a moment. "You know, Obi, how I spent all that time preparing myself to come back as a Force ghost? I changed my mind. Next time, I'm coming back as a Sith Lord." He looked at Obi-Wan's face, expecting to see shock and was surprised by the thoughtful look there. "So? What about you?"
Obi-Wan smiled a little wistfully, staring at Maul's retreating back. "Me? I don't know. I was thinking of coming back as a woman."
END