The Phantom Men Ass - By Mary Cheetah

Rating:          R for some suggestive situations.
Warnings:     Some adult situations, sexual references, profanity but nothing too offensive.
Disclaimer:   Disclaimer: Darth Maul and all Star Wars related content are the intellectual property of George Lucas.
Summary:    A long time ago in a small California town, a silly parody was created....
Feedback:    To MaryCheetah@go.com

Jumping approximately a hundred feet from an air vent and escaping notice by any of the hundreds of army droids patrolling the hangar bay with the ships' hatches wide open, Eye-Gone and Obi-Gyn caught their breath as they discussed their brilliant plan for escape.

"That jump didn't hurt my old knees at all," Eye-Gone said, wincing in pain.

"You were right about one thing, Master," Obi-Gyn began.

"I'm right about everything," the ever humble Jedi Master corrected his Apprentice. "We will sneak into separate ships and meet up on Shamoo."

"Yes, Master. How will we get past the droids?"

"Very carefully," Eye-Gone answered, his wisdom amazing the young Padawan.

Later on Shamoo...

"Get down!" Eye-Gone yelled at the strange amphibian creature with long ears.

The deafening hum of the troop transport barely skimmed the two men as they lay in a missionary position.

"Let go!" the Jedi Master growled, but the gangly creature clutched even more tightly.

Eye-Gone waited anxiously for the craft to pass before rising.

Having felt a massive bulge in the creature's crotch, Eye-Gone began running quickly away from him.

"Ooh! Meesa love you!" the strange creature declared, running in pursuit of the Jedi Master.

"Get away from me, you freak!"’

"But yousa lika meesa, I tink."

Obi-Gyn suddenly joined the Jedi and Grungan and asked who the creature was accompanying Eye-Gone.

"I saved his life and now he won't go away."

"Yousa saved my life. I owe yousa a life debt."

Eye-Gone said, “You’re seriously making me regret saving you.”

"Perhaps this creature could help us find refuge, Master," Obi-Gyn suggested.

Eye-Gone pondered his options a moment. Let's see...we can either die at the hands of the droid army, or we can follow this fruitcake and hope for the best.

"Let's go, Obi-Gyn. The amphibian freak stays behind."

"But Master, we will surely die if we don't accept his help," Obi reasoned.

Rolling his eyes, the Jedi Master finally relented to his young Padawan's logic.

"Very well."

He then turned to the Grungan and said, "But if you touch me inappropriately, I will kill you."

As the trio approached the edge of a small lake, Jar Jar Stinks dove in. The two Jedi Knights soon followed and were halfway submerged when Jar Jar poked his head above the surface of the water and said, “Follow meesa, okie day?”

Eye-Gone replied, “That’s why we’re in the water.”

Jar Jar Stinks led the two Jedi through the water and into the Grungan City below. As the occupants recognized the outcast’s return, they began moaning in irritation. Soon Jar Jar and the Jedi stood before Boss Nasty. As the massive creature spoke, drops of saliva flew through the air and hit Obi-Gyn in the face. Eager to be rid of Jar Jar’s stink, Boss Nasty agreed to provide them with a transport.

Later, aboard the water craft...

"Why were you banished, Jar Jar?" Obi-Gyn asked.

"Tis a hard to believe, buta they think meesa annoying."

"You were banished because you're annoying?? I just don't see it, Jar Jar."

"Get your hand off my leg or I will kill you!" Eye-Gone threatened the Grungan.

Meanwhile, inside the palace, a strange assembly gathered in the throne room. Among those who were present was Governor Sio Dribble, Captain Binaca, four soldiers and the Queen's handmaidens.

"Where's Queen Imadolla?" Sio Dribble asked.

"She will be here soon. Her heavy costumes and headgear slow her down considerably. She can only travel a few steps per minute," Captain Binaca explained.

A few hours later, the Queen caught up with the rest of the group, and everyone who hadn't fallen asleep greeted her respectfully.

"How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?" Dribble asked Nuke Raygun.

"The Shamoo and the Trade Federation will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I've been assured it will be ratified by the Senate," Nuke explained.

Queen Imadolla said firmly, "I will not cooperate."

"Now, now, Your Highness, we have ways of forcing even royalty to cooperate. For example, we can make you to stare at my face for days on end. It's quite an effective means, I assure you."

"No doubt," Queen Imadolla remarked.

"Take them to Camp 69," Nuke ordered his commanding droid.

As the group of captives made their way down the corridor and into the palace courtyard, two robed figures suddenly descended upon them, along with a creature that registered in the droids' sensors as highly annoying. As usual, the dozens of battle droids were no match for the inordinate strength of the two Jedi. In a matter of seconds, all droids were disabled and Eye-Gone was politely introducing himself to the Queen.

Without even pausing for breath, he advised, "We should leave the streets, Your Highness."

"I should say so. Why are you two men dressed in bathrobes?" she asked the two Jedi.

"It's a long story," Eye-Gone replied.

“We have time, trust me,” Captain Binaca remarked.

After about an hour, the Queen was safely led to a secluded space between two buildings, approximately fifteen yards from where she was rescued from the soldier droids.

Sio Dribble approached Eye-Gone and scoffed, "Your negotiations seem to have failed!"

"I'd like to see you do better, old man," Eye-Gone rebuked. "It just so happens that the negotiations never took place."

Eye-Gone then turned to Queen Imadolla and said, "Your Highness, we must make contact with the Republic."

Captain Binaca stepped forward and said, "They've knocked out all our communications."

"Do you have transports?" Eye-Gone asked.

"No, we don't. We walk everywhere. Of course we have transports!" Captain Binaca replied.

He led the group to the hangar, a journey of which took about two hours. However, there were hotdog street vendors so nobody went hungry waiting for the Queen to catch up.

Seeing there were too many droids for even the two Jedi to conquer, Eye-Gone suggested, "Your Highness, I suggest that you come to Croissant with us."

The young but frustratingly slow moving Queen replied, "My place is here with my people."

"They will kill you if you stay. If you are to leave, it must be now. The walk from here to your starship is a good thirty yards. It could take hours. We must leave at once," Eye-Gone urged.

After once again successfully eliminating all the droids and escaping even a minor cut, the two Jedi and their charges boarded the royal star cruiser.

A few moments later, the Shamoo cruiser streaked up the stratosphere with pilot Ric Oily at the controls. Immediately, they encountered a fleet of battleships, and the Trade Federation's star fighters opened fire.

"The field generator's been hit!" Ric exclaimed.

The damage alerted several repair droids and they scurried to an airlock where they were instantly ejected onto the hull of the ship. One droid was ejected so forcefully that he went flying into space. A few others were blasted by enemy fire. The only droid that remained was one by the name of R2-DooDoo, which had to survive in order to appear in Episodes 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.

Once the droid successfully repaired the shield, he remarked to himself, "I’m such a tool. I really need to find a more fulfilling occupation."

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, Ric Oily continued with his redundant narration of events.

"There's not enough power to get us to Croissant. The hyper drive is leaking. Also, we are in space."

Eye-Gone, being ever astute and alert, realized the ship would never reach Croissant. "We'll have to land somewhere to repair the ship."

Obi-Gyn scanned the star charts and found a suitable planet. "Here, Master. It's small, out of the way, and poor. The Trade Federation has no presence there. It's called Earth...oops, wait a minute...it's called Twitooine. Sorry."

Aboard the Trade Federation battleship...

Nuke Raygun stood nervously as Lord Insidious' holo-image appeared.

"Has Queen Imadolla signed the treaty?" the Sith Lord asked.

Nuke had naturally been dreading the question (duh).

"She has disappeared, my lord. One Shamoo cruiser got past our blockade and wouldn't you know, it just so happened to have the Queen on board."

Darth Insidious' anger seemed to reach them through the holo-transmission, assaulting their ugly faces with a dark force of energy that they almost enjoyed.

"Viceroy! Find her! I want that girl...er, I mean, I want that treaty signed!"

"My lord, it's impossible to locate the ship. It's out of our range."

"Not for a Sith," Insidious said.

Suddenly, a second Sith Lord appeared behind him. "Viceroy, this is my apprentice, Lord Mole. He will find your lost ship."

"But our ship isn't lost, Lord Insidious."

Darth Insidious shook his head in disgust as his image dissipated.

After both holo-images disappeared, Nuke turned to his companion and said, "Now there are two of them??"

"Hey, you can count," Ruin remarked. "Well, at least this second one seems quite sexy."

Meanwhile, on Twitooine...

The Queen's star cruiser settled into the dust of the Twitooine outskirts, a safe distance from a desert spaceport called Moss Cesspool.

"Why are we landing so far away from the settlements, Master?"

Eye-Gone explained, "We don't want to attract any unwanted attention.”

"But Master, I like attracting attention," Obi-Gyn replied.

"Yes, my young Padawan, your hairstyle made me kind of figure that."

Eye-Gone decided to take Jar Jar Stinks with him, as he knew the creature's highly annoying personality would surely repel even the most dangerous outlaws. Suddenly, they were called to halt by Captain Binaca, who was accompanied by one of the Queen's handmaidens, Pet Me.

“The Queen wants you to take her handmaiden with you.”

“No more commands from her Highness today,” Eye-Gone said.

“The Queen is curious about the planet,” Captain Binaca insisted.

Eye-Gone replied, “Well, just remember that curiosity killed the cat.”

“And satisfaction brought it back,” Captain Binaca said as he turned to head back to the ship.

"This spaceport is no place for a young girl," Eye-Gone remarked.

"I want to do some shopping, and I can take care of myself," Pet Me replied.

"Yes, but can you take care of other species with a hostile demeanor?" Eye-Gone challenged the young girl, causing her to roll her eyes.

Knowing there was no point in debating the issue with a female in the mood to shop, the Jedi Master relented to her request to accompany them.

“Whatsa a catsa?” Jar Jar Stinks asked, his question greeted by silence.

The group headed for a plaza containing several junk shops and entered the nearest one, which just so happened to contain the future Darth Vader. A short blue alien by the name of Fatto fluttered toward them and asked what they wanted.

"I want to buy something from your shop," Eye-Gone clarified.

"No shit. I gathered that much. What sort of parts do you need, old man?" the winged alien asked.

"I need parts for a J-type 327 Nubian," Eye answered.

Fatto called out to someone in the back. A small human boy of about nine years old appeared.

"Watch the store. I've got some ripping off...I mean selling to do here," Fatto commanded.

As Eye-Gone followed Fatto into the junkyard, he told Jar Jar, "Don't touch anyone!"

Jar Jar demonstrated his dislike for Eye-Gone’s orders with a suggestive flapping of the tongue.

"Did it hurt?" the boy asked.

Confused, Pet Me asked, "Did what hurt?"

“When you fell from heaven—because, baby, you must be an angel!”

"You're a funny little boy," Pet Me remarked.

Becoming defensive, Mannequin replied, “What do you mean by that?? Funny as in ha-ha, or funny as in weird??”

Ignoring his question, Pet me asked, "How long have you been here?"

"Since I was very little," the boy answered.

"Little? Unlike you are now?" she challenged.

“What do you mean by that?? Little as in small, or little as in insignificant??

Ignoring the boy’s second stupid question, Pet Me asked, "What's your name?"

"Mannequin. What's yours?"

"Pet Me."

"Sure thing," Mannequin said as he reached out to the girl.

"No! Pet Me is my name, you idiot!"

Just then, the two young humans were distracted by an altercation between Jar Jar Stinks and a small repair droid.

"Hit the nose!" Mannequin suggested.

Jar Jar hit the nose, but the small droid remained standing.

"Meesa thinks thatsa doosa no good."

"I know. I just wanted you to hit the nose. I'm a kid--what do you expect?"

Meanwhile, outside in the junkyard, Eye was negotiating the purchase of some parts with Fatto.

"Credits will be just fine," Eye-Gone said.

"No, they won't!" Fatto replied.

"Credits will do just fine," Eye-Gone repeated.

"NO, they won't," Fatto replied.

"Credits will work just fine," Eye-Gone insisted, waving his hand in front of Fatto's face.

"NO, THEY WON'T!" Fatto replied. "What do you think you are waving your hand around like that, a Jedi Knight or something?? Mind tricks don't work on me! Ooooonly money!" he said, rubbing his fingers together suggestively.

"You will release the boy and his mother to me," Eye-Gone demanded.

"Fine. Take them," Fatto said.

Meanwhile, back at the Royal Starship...

"This storm will slow them down," Obi-Gyn remarked.

"You think? What's a little sand scratching your eyeballs and filling your lungs gonna hurt?" Captain Binaca said with miserable sarcasm.

As the sandstorm grew in intensity, the Skywalker child led the unlikely trio to shelter.

"Come on, I'll take you to my place," Mannequin generously offered.

"But Mannequin, I'm not that kind of girl," Pet Me remarked, causing the boy to scratch his head in confusion.

En route to Mannequin's place, Eye contacted Obi-Gyn and asked if there was anything of value on the ship.

"Afraid not, Master, other than the Queen's expansive wardrobe which would be of little value on this planet."

"Isn't it typical for a woman to travel with so many clothes?" Eye remarked with a sigh. "Oh, well, another solution will present itself."

"You always see the glass as half full, Master," Obi commented.

"Don't let my positive demeanor fool you. Inwardly, I'm pissed off and ready to kill someone."

A few seconds later, inside his home, Mannequin introduced everyone to his mother

"Your son graciously offered us shelter, She-me. I hope it's not a problem," Eye-Gone said.

"Not at all. Make yourselves comfortable. Manni, may I speak to you in private a moment?"

"Yes, mom," the boy said as he followed his mother to a back room.

"What have I told you about bringing strangers home?! This will cost you a beating. Also, you are grounded until you're 18. Now wash up for dinner."

As Mannequin led Pet Me into his bedroom, Eye-Gone and She-me got to know each other better...much better.

"This is Creepio, isn't he great?" Manni exclaimed enthusiastically. "He isn't finished yet."

"He's perfect," Pet Me remarked.

"Didn't you hear me? He's not finished yet! I said he was great, not perfect,” Manni snarled.

Meanwhile, on Croissant, two dark robed figures were enjoying a late evening stroll along a balcony overlooking the city lights.

"Oh, my young Apprentice, love is in the air," Lord Insidious remarked.

Eagerly wishing to change the subject, Darth Mole said, "Twitooine is sparsely populated. If the trace is correct, I should find--

Lord Mole's speech was suddenly interrupted by his Master's hand pressing against his thigh.

"Move against the Jedi first. You will then have no difficulty in taking the Queen back to Shamoo," Insidious ordered, sliding his palm inwardly toward Darth Mole's crotch.

"And remember, if you lay a hand on the Queen, I will punish you. You know how jealous I get," Lord Insidious reminded his apprentice.

Darth Mole swallowed nervously. "Yes, Master. At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last I will have...I mean, we will have revenge."

Inwardly, he was more focused on taking revenge on his Master for sexually abusing him over years.

It’s so hard being the sexiest creature in the Universe, Darth Mole thought.

Meanwhile, back on Twitooine...

While dinner was being served, Manni asked, "Have you ever seen a pod race?"

"They have pod racing on Malascare. Very fast, very dangerous," Eye said.

"I'm the only human who can do it," Manni remarked.

"You must have Jedi reflexes if you can race pods.”

Suddenly, as Jar Jar Stinks flicked his tongue for another piece of fruit, Eye-Gone reflexively caught it between his fingers and said, "If you do that again, I will kill you."

"You're a Jedi Knight, aren't you? I saw your laser sword. Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon."

"Perhaps I killed a Jedi and took his weapon," Eye argued.

"Don't deny it. You just demonstrated how quick your own reflexes are by catching Jar Jar's tongue."

"I see there's no fooling you, Manni," Eye-Gone relented.

He then explained their predicament of needing parts and having nothing of value to purchase them with.

"I can help. I can fix anything," Manni remarked enthusiastically.

"Manni, we really need to work on your self-esteem," said She-me.

After much debate, She-me granted permission to allow Manni to race the pod.

The next day, Mannequin was readying his pod for the race when his friends approached and began teasing him.

"You're going to be bug squash!" Manni's ever- supportive best friend exclaimed before leading the other children off to play.

Having observed the children from a few yards away, Eye approached Manni.

"Don't worry, Manni. I will show you the ways of the Force and next time you can strangle those insolent brats with the mere lift of a hand."

A few moments later, Manni warned Jar Jar Stinks not to get too near the energy beam. Ignoring the boy's warning, Jar Jar got his tongue caught in it, drawing the attention of the two droids.

"I find that Jar Jar creature to be a bit odd," remarked Creepio.

"You mean unlike you?" replied R2-DooDoo, his adorable sarcasm shining through.

Eye-Gone had rejoined She-Me and the couple was observing Mannequin.

"Your son has Jedi reflexes. Had he been born in the Republic, we would have identified him earlier."

"He deserves better than a slave's life."

“Most people do. Anyway, do you know how rare it is to have Jedi potential?"

"He was so cute when he was a baby," She-Me continued, oblivious to Eye-Gone’s assessment of Mannequin.

"Your son could quite possibly be the Chosen One."

"He loved being breast-fed. Refused to take a bottle."

"Who is his father?"

"He had the smelliest diapers, though."

"She-Me! I repeat--who is his father?"

"I'm not sure, but I've narrowed it down to either Fatto or Sebooba."

"I think I'm going to throw up..." Eye-Gone said as he stumbled away in disgust.

Later that night, Eye-Gone contacted Obi-Gyn via walkie-talkie, the Jedi choice in telecommunications.

"What if the plan fails, Master? We could be stuck here a very long time."

"Well, it's too dangerous to call for help. A ship without a power supply isn't going to get us anywhere. And....there's something about Mary."

"Who's Mary??"

"Never mind."

Later that same evening...

"Stay still, Manni. Let me attend to your cut," Eye-Gone said.

"There's so many of them."

"No, there's only one cut."

"I meant the stars," Manni replied.

"Manni! Bedtime! I'm not going to tell you again," She-me threatened from inside their dwelling.

“You think if I defy her long enough she’ll actually stop saying it?”

After Mannequin had left to go inside, Eye-Gone contacted Obi-Gyn, inserting a chip stained with Manni's blood into a communications device.

"Make an analysis of this blood sample I'm sending you. I need a midi-chlorian count."

After a few seconds, Obi-Gyn's mouth dropped in amazement. "The reading is off the charts. Even Master Yoga doesn't have a count that high."

"No Jedi has."

"What does it mean?"

"He must be Sith."

Meanwhile, as the twin suns were rising in the Twitooine desert, a black starship was landing near a remote outcropping. The hatch opened and Darth Mole emerged, his cool liquid sexual presence emanating from his black form. Carrying a pair of electro binoculars, the infinitely sensual creature scanned the desert, focusing on three separate settlements. About a mile away, two of the Queen's handmaidens had taken notice of the starship's presence and the beautiful creature that had emerged.

"Hurry up! I wanna see!" Rabid urged her companion.

"Hold your horses! I'm not done yet," Sabid replied.

"Girlfriend, next time we need to bring two pairs of binoculars with us."

"Oh, gods, I'm going to wet my panties. He's now playing with this wrist comlink..." Rabid said, panting.

"Let me see, dammit!" Sabid said as she snatched the binoculars from Rabid's hands.

"Biatch!"

"Oh, my gods...now he's watching his probe droids fly past him. Can this man get any sexier?"

"Well, if he does, I'm defecting."

Later that morning, Manni eagerly prepared for the pod race in the hangar bay. A little while later, start time approached and so did Eye-Gone for some last minute words of wisdom.

"Feel, don't think," Eye-Gone reminded Mannequin.

"So not thinking works best for a Jedi?"

"That's right, Manni."

Eye-Gone then re-joined the women and Grungan. As they headed to the sky seats elevator, Pet Me challenged Eye-Gone's decision to wager the royal starship.

He said, "The Queen never has to know about it."

"Your ass is too much," Pet Me remarked.

"What did you say?" Eye-Gone asked.

"You assume too much."

Meanwhile, back at the Infiltrator, Darth Mole had set up a lounge chair, dressed only in black boxers, accompanied by a frothy tropical drink complete with pineapple and tiny umbrella garnish. Keeping his binoculars handy, he watched the race from a safe distance.

About a mile away, his female admirers were taking in his half naked form and drooling uncontrollably.

"What's he doing? What's he doing?" Sabid asked.

"Well, he's wearing sunglasses, so I can't see his beautiful glowing eyes. Oh, darn, he just got up to go back inside."

"Thanks a lot for making me miss seeing him in boxers."

"Sorry, chica," Rabid said.

"Okay, you can put the binoculars down now."

Ignoring her companion’s remark, Rabid continued to stare through the binoculars. Snatching them from her, Sabid saw that Rabid had lied, as Mole was still lying in the chaise lounge in all his half naked glory.

"I can die a happy woman now," Sabid said with a deep sigh.

As the contestants were readying their respective pods for the race in plain view of thousands of spectators, Sebooba—the slime that he is—sabotaged Mannequin’s pod.

As he nonchalantly walked off, he mumbled to himself, “Gosh, I sure hope nobody saw that.”

Soon the race was underway with Mannequin lagging behind due to mechanical problems (gee, I wonder how that happened). It took him precious moments to catch the stragglers, but his pod was far faster and he passed them quickly. Sebooba and the leaders, he knew, would be harder to catch. Even so, there was every reason to believe that the young boy--who, by the way, had never won a pod race in his life--would win the race against his older, wiser, and more seasoned opponents.

And he did win.

After the race, supporters ran up to greet Manni and congratulate him. Fatto reluctantly agreed to pay Eye-Gone his winnings.

"Jedi piece of shit..." Fatto mumbled as Eye-Gone walked away.

"What did you say?"

"I said did I kiss a tit."

After the race, everyone headed back into Mos Cesspool to tie up loose ends. Pet Me and Jar Jar Stinks returned to the royal starship, while Eye-Gone and Mannequin returned to the boy's dwelling to give She-me the good news.

"Mannequin's been freed," Eye-Gone announced.

"Now you can make your dreams come true, Manni," She-me remarked, a bit saddened. "Is he to become a Jedi?" she asked Eye-Gone.

"Our meeting was not coincidence. Nothing happens by accident."

"So is that a yes?" She-me asked.

"Can I go, Mom?" Manni begged.

"Mannequin, this path has been placed before you. This choice is yours alone," She-me answered.

"I want to go," the boy declared.

"So I guess that means you don't love me," she remarked.

"Oh, mom, I do too love you! It's just that I can either stay here and live a life as a slave and be grounded till I'm 18, or go capture a life of excitement and glory by becoming a Jedi Knight."

"Still, it seems you don't love me that much.”

"Moooooooooom!" Manni pleaded.

"Fine. Go. See if I care," She-me said, throwing down her tool.

"Thanks, Mom! You're the greatest!" Manni declared as he ran to his bedroom to pack a few things.

Feeling the need to say goodbye to Creepio, Manni flipped his switch and the droid came to life.

"I'm leaving on a starship. Sorry I won't be able to finish you.”

“Leaving on a starship?? I’m out for a few hours and you went from slave to leaving on a starship??”

“I'll make sure Mom doesn't sell you or anything."

"Your compassion is quite touching, Master Mannequin."

"Bye," Manni said as he left Creepio behind staring sadly at his human master.

As Eye-Gone and the boy started to leave, Mannequin said, "I have this nagging feeling I'm forgetting something."

Suddenly, Mannequin whirled around and saw his mother standing near the front door.

"Oh, of course! I forgot to say goodbye to mom!" Manni remarked as he ran toward her.

She-me gave her son a bittersweet hug.

"Will I ever see you again?" Manni asked.

"Do you really care?" she replied, fighting back tears.

"Oh, Mom, of course I care! I just can't care that much right now. Maybe in the future I will care more. If so, I will come back and free you, or rescue you from Tusken Raiders or something. If not, have a good life."

Mannequin then rejoined Master Eye-Gone and the two headed out. The words of his mother kept repeating in Manni’s head again and again, “Don’t look back….don’t look back….”

Being a typical kid, he just had to look back. There he saw his mother on her knees, sobbing uncontrollably into her palms.

Eye-Gone offered some words of comfort to his young companion by saying, “She’ll get over it.”

In the desert wasteland, a black probe droid approached its master to report its findings. It went flying in fast—a little too fast—and hit Darth Mole hard against his forehead, causing him to swear in his native language.

“Aboing angaleek……boing…..” the probe droid said, which in basic means, “I’m sorry, master. Please don’t crush me into tiny bits.”

Eye-Gone and Mannequin had left Mos Cesspool behind and were almost to the royal starship when Eye-Gone heard a faint motorized sound that commanded his attention. To his horror, he caught a glimpse of a black robed figure heading right for Mannequin.

"Manni! Get down!" Eye yelled and the boy dropped to the desert floor without hesitation.

Within seconds, Darth Mole was off his speeder and igniting his light saber. Mole's onslaught was relentless and the ancient Eye-Gone had difficulty blocking his blows.

"Manni! Take off! Get to the ship!" Eye-Gone called out.

Mannequin obeyed and alerted the others. The Shamoo cruiser rose, churning up dust as it moved, and turned toward the Jedi and the Sith.

Barely visible from all the dust surrounding them, Ric Oily maneuvered the starship towards the dueling men.

"Careful!" Obi-Gyn exclaimed as the starship's hatch hit Eye-Gone on the back of his head, knocking him face down on the ground.

"Oops!" Ric said, trying to stifle a giggle.

Eye-Gone rose to his feet and jumped aboard the starship, leaving Darth Mole standing in defeat. Feeling inadequate and like a failure, Mole retracted his red saber, the frustration of dissatisfaction eating away at him. However, he was certain he would get another chance to slay the aging Jedi Master. After all, he had read the script.

Aboard the royal starship, a breathless Eye-Gone was joined by Mannequin and Obi-Gyn.

"What was it?" Obi asked.

After spitting the sand from his mouth, Eye-Gone replied, “A duel in the desert.”

“No, Master! I mean what was the thing that attacked you?”

"I don't know. It could be Sith."

"What are we going to do about it?" Manni asked.

Still sweaty and breathless, Eye-Gone replied, "We should be patient."

"In other words, you don't know," Manni mumbled.

“What did you say??” Eye-Gone demanded.

“I said, on hostile worlds you shouldn’t go.”

Hours later…

The royal starship began its descent onto the night-side of Croissant. The planet was covered entirely by a flaky crust….er, I mean contiguous city. Just imagine the smog and road rage!

Entering the atmosphere, everyone aboard the Royal starship began to cough as the smog-laden air filled his or her lungs. The cruiser swept toward the Senate landing platform and docked. As the Jedi and Shamoo entourage debarked, they found several important figures waiting for them, not least of which was Chancellor Valium himself. Beside him stood a thin, kindly looking man: the Senator from Shamoo, whose name was Palpitate. If only they knew he led a double life as Darth Insidious: a thin, not-so-kindly looking man who liked to molest his apprentice.

The two Jedi excused their geekiness then announced they needed to visit the Jedi Council without delay. Queen Imadolla, her horny handmaidens, and the others were accompanied by Palpitate to his private quarters for some late night close encounters and to give the Queen his report.

"The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates, unlike myself, who has no interest in money or power," Palpitate explained.

He then turned to Rabid and said, "Lower, my dear."

Imadolla replied, "Chancellor Valium seems to think there is hope."

"Well, Chancellor Valium is the eternal optimist, while Captain Binaca keeps the balance with his incessant pessimism."

"What options have we?" she asked.

"I think we should kill them both," Palpitate replied.

"I meant in regards to the Senate."

Palpitate smiled. He had a plan--a cunning, manipulative, brilliant, absolutely Sithly plan--and in the next few moments, he shared it with the young Queen...except for the cunning, manipulative, brilliant, and absolutely Sithly parts.

Meanwhile, Eye-Gone and his young rat-tailed apprentice stood before the twelve members of the Jedi Council as Eye-Gone told of his dangerous encounter.

"A cowardly wimp, you are," Yoga remarked.

"My only conclusion," the Jedi said, "can be that it was a Sith Lord."

"A Sith Lord!" cried Face Poodoo, a senior Jedi.

"Impossible," said another, Ki-Adi-Mundi-Doo-Doo-Dah-Dah. "The Sith have been extinct for a millennium."

"I beg to differ. I was attacked by one, so they obviously are not extinct," Eye-Gone insisted.

"Rude, you are," Yoga remarked. "The very Republic is threatened, if involved the Sith are. Too sexy, the Sith are."

Face Poodoo said, "This attack was with purpose, that is clear. The Queen is his target."

"With all due respect, can you offer something of more value here? It's quite obvious such an attack would have purpose," Eye-Gone remarked.

"Stupid and insolent, you are," Yoga remarked.

"Okay, old man, I've had enough of your insults!" Eye-Gone shouted.

"Master, please!" Obi-Gyn urged.

"My apologies, Master Yoga," Eye-Gone said, bowing slightly.

"With this Shamoo Queen, you must stay. Pork her...I mean, protect her," Yoga commanded.

Face Poodoo said, "We will use all our resources here to unravel this mystery and discover the identity of your attacker. May the Force be with you. Go away now."

The statement was meant as a dismissal, but Eye-Gone did not budge.

"Master Eye-Gone, more to say have you?" Yoga asked.

"No, I'm standing here so I can continue to stare at your attractive face. Of course I have more to say!"

Yoga glared at the Jedi Master, resisting the urge to use the Force to slam him against the far wall.

Eye-Gone told them about the boy he had encountered. "His cells have the highest concentration of midi-chlorians I've ever seen in a pathetic life form."

"A Sith, he must be," Yoga remarked.

"Agree with you, I do," Eye-Gone said.

Face Poodoo leaned forward, "You're referring to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. You believe it's this boy?"

"Not this boy. The one waiting outside," Eye-Gone said, causing Obi-Gyn to frown. "I request the boy be tested."

"Bring him before us, then," Face Poodoo begrudgingly agreed.

A few moments later, Mannequin was brought before the Jedi Council.

"A penis..." Mannequin said, astounding Face Poodoo by accurately guessing the image.

"A Tootsie Pop," Mannequin continued, totally blowing away the Jedi Council with his perception.

"A Wonder Bra...a toothpick....a vibrator.....a nude picture of Mom! Hey! What's that doing there??" Mannequin shouted, his voice tinged with anger.

"Oops..." Face Poodoo said as he quickly changed the image moderator.

"Much fear I sense in you," Yoga remarked to Mannequin.

“Seeing a naked picture of your mother would frighten you as well.”

“Much fear in you besides, I sense.”

"What's that got to do with anything?" the boy challenged.

Wide-eyed, Yoga replied, "Everything!"

Face Poodoo rolled his eyes and mumbled, "Oh, no, here he goes again..."

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to misery. Misery leads to suicide. Suicide leads to death. Death leads to rot. Rot leads to stench. Stench leads to air fresheners. Air fresheners lead to headaches. Headaches lead to aspirin. Aspirin leads to ulcers. Ulcers lead to pain. Pain leads to pleasure. Pleasure leads to..."

Soon, everyone had fallen asleep while Yoga droned on and on and on...except for Face Poodoo who was tearing his hair out and contemplating suicide.

Meanwhile, the rotunda of the Galactic Senate was called to order, with thousands of representatives standing in their hovering senatorial boxes as Chancellor Valium ran through the daily procedure of the government.

In the Shamoo box, Queen Imadolla stood impatiently beside Palpitate. Finally, their turn on the agenda came up. Their box rushed forward and the Queen got an idea: this would be a splendid way to speed her daily travels. She made a mental note to have a smaller version designed for her. In the meantime, she would order one of her handmaidens to pose as her, because Imadolla was getting sick and tired of wearing all that ceremonial clothing on a daily basis.

Returning her thoughts to the matter at hand, she announced, "The Shamoo system has been invaded by the droid armies of the Trade Federation!"

The Trade Federation delegate was ready for her announcement. As all eyes turned to him, he replied, "We recommend a commission be sent to Shamoo to ascertain the truth of this alleged invasion."

Valium started to overrule him, but one of his aides grabbed his sleeve and whispered in his ear, causing Valium to become horny and weak at the knees.

Turning back to the delegates, he sighed, "The point is conceded. Queen Imadolla, will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore your accusations?"

"I will not defer!" the young Queen declared. "I was not elected to watch my people....uh, watch my people..."

Palpitate whispered in the Queen's ear, "Suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee..."

"Suffer and die while you....while you...."

Growing annoyed, Palpitate again reminded the Queen of her declaration, "Discuss this invasion in a committee!"

"Discuss this invasion in a comedy."

"Committee!" Palpitate barked.

"Committee."

After bringing down Chancellor Valium, Queen Imadolla returned to Palpitate's quarters for a private moment. Naturally, Jar Jar Stinks had to come along and disturb her peace.

"Yousa tinken yousa people ganna die?" the Grungan asked.

Imadolla said simply, "I don't know."

"Grungans get pasted too, eh?"

"I hope so."

Jar Jar shook his head. "Grungans no die'n without a fight...weesa warriors. Weesa got a grande army. Meesa tinken thatsa why yousa no liken ussen."

"No, Jar Jar, I dislike you because you're smelly and annoying. Ugly, too."

At that moment, Captain Binaca rushed in with Palpitate beside him. "Your Highness……………Your Highness?"

“I heard you the first time.”

"Senator Palpitate has been nominated to succeed Valium as Supreme Chancellor."

Palpitate bowed his head modestly. "A surprise, to be sure. Well, not a huge one...but a welcome one. Your Majesty, if I am elected, I promise to bring control...er, I mean democracy back to the Republic."

Imadolla then announced her intent to leave Croissant, leaving Palpitate with a smug, self-satisfied, arrogant, and very Sithly smile. It made even him look almost sexy.

Meanwhile, back at the Jedi Council...

"He is to be trained, then?" Eye-Gone asked.

"No, he will not be trained," said Face Poodoo. "He is too old."

"But the child is only nine years old!" Eye-Gone argued.

"Now, Master Qui-Con, you know we like to begin training when the child is still in its mother's womb. Matter of fact, optimal training should begin before the embryo is even conceived."

Yoga added, "Clouded, this boy's future is."

"What does the weather have to do with anything?" Eye-Gone asked Yoga.

"Dumb, you are," was all Yoga had to say in response.

Eye-Gone stiffened. "I will train him, then. I take Mannequin as my Padawan learner."

"What about me??" Obi-Gyn whined.

"Sorry, Obi, but you're boring. Mannequin has far more potential," Eye-Gone stated.

Obi-Gyn frowned as he mumbled, “You hateful old fart…”

“What did you say??”

“I said you’re breaking my heart.”

By now, Mannequin had heard of the Council's decision. He had also heard that Eye-Gone insisted on watching over him even though he would not become a Jedi.

"Eye-Gone, sir, I don't want to be a problem."

"All kids your age are a problem. At least where you're concerned, you have tremendous Jedi potential. I'm not allowed to train you, so I want you to watch me, listen to me and do everything I teach you. Always remember, your focus determines your photography."

"I've been wondering. What are midi-chlorians?"

Eye-Gone explained as simply as he could.

"Midi-chlorians are a microscopic life form that resides within all living cells and communicates with the Force. They are continually speaking to us, telling us the will of the Force. So, never get them pissed off, Mannequin, for they will turn against you, eating you up from the inside out until there's nothing left but a bloody, oozing skeletal mass of liquefied flesh. Any questions?"

Mannequin, wide-eyed, gulped before rapidly shaking his head.

Meanwhile, back at the palace...

A single hologram crackled to life, the sound of which came not from the hologram itself but of the bones of the old man appearing before the Needoidians. Nuke Raygun and Ruin Haako waited for Darth Insidious to speak.

"Is the planet secure?"

"I wouldn't know, my Lord. I'm not a psychologist."

"I don’t want to see this stunted slime again!" the Sith Lord declared.

Ruin then stepped forward. "We have taken over the last pockets of pathetic life forms. We are in complete control of their garments...I mean planet."

"Good. I will see to it that in the Senate, things stay as they are. I am sending my apprentice Darth Mole to join you. He will deal with the Jedi."

Lord Insidious' news excited Ruin, as he always felt that Darth Mole was the sexiest thing he'd ever laid eyes on.

Reading Ruin's thoughts, Darth Insidious said, "Don't even think about it."

Meanwhile, back on the Royal starship...

The journey to Shamoo was brief, but the time dragged for those aboard the cruiser. Mannequin occupied himself in the cockpit, learning the controls and pestering Ric Oily.

"How fast does this thing go? How many miles to the gallon does it get? How often does it need to be tuned? How many passengers can it carry? When was the last time it was maintained? Did you change the oil lately?"

"Get lost, kid! You're getting on my nerves!" Ric exclaimed.

"How old is this starship? Has it always been silver? Has it always belonged to the Queen? Who washes it? Do they wax it often? Why are there so many buttons? How long have you been a pilot? Why is your hair so greasy? Who is my father?"

Captain Binaca spent his time trying to dissuade the Queen from fulfilling her foolhardy proclamation.

"As soon as we land, the Trade Federation will arrest you, and force you to sign the treaty."

"Why are you always such a downer?" the Queen asked.

"I have to agree," Eye-Gone interjected. "I'm not sure what you wish to accomplish by this."

"Just because you're both men doesn't mean you have to gang up on me," Imadolla stated, becoming teary-eyed.

"We're not ganging up on you!" Binaca declared.

"Don't yell at me!" she cried.

"Oh, gods, she's PMSing..." Binaca whispered to Eye-Gone, and they both quietly slunk out of the room.

Imadolla turned her gaze toward the Grungan. "Jar Jar Stinks!"

Feeling the raging hormones emitting from the Queen, Jar Jar nearly fell out of his seat.

"Meesa?" he asked.

"Is there anybody else here named Jar Jar Stinks?!" the Queen asked sarcastically. "I need your help."

A few hours later, the Queen's ship dropped out of hyperspace over the lush green planet of Shamoo. Only one Trade Federation battleship could be seen.

"The blockade's gone," Captain Binaca noted, astounding everyone with a rare positive comment. "But we're still doomed..."

"The war's over," Obi-Gyn replied. "That battleship is the droid control ship," he said, pointing to a large ship with the words Droid Control Ship painted on the side. "We haven't much time."

The Royal cruiser landed in the Grungan swamp, causing Imadolla to start bitching at the pilot for getting her starship muddy.

As the Queen explained her plan to the Jedi, Jar Jar Stinks swam through the waters of Shamoo. It felt good to wash away the sand of Twitooine and the grime of Croissant in the waters of home, as he much preferred his own personal filth to that of alien planets. Eagerly, he reached Otuh Grunga and slid through the protective dome. His footsteps echoed loudly. The city was empty. His fellow Grungans must have known Jar Jar would return, so they abandoned the city without delay.

"Dare-sa nobody dare," he said when he returned to the others.

"Nobody dare do what?" asked Obi-Gyn.

"Some kinda fightin, mesa tink."

"Well, if you need to take a tink, do it in private," Obi said.

"Yousa don't understand meesa, do you?"

"He understands very little," Eye-Gone remarked, causing Obi-Gyn to give his master the finger behind his back. "Do you know where they are?" Eye-Gone asked Jar Jar.

"Mesa show you. Come on."

Jar Jar Stinks led the others through the swamp. The terrain appeared to be the same, kilometer after kilometer, but the Grungan guided them as if there were a clearly marked path.

"Jar Jar, your navigation through these parts is astounding," Obi-Gyn commented.

"Oh, isa nuttin. There-sa clearly marked path. See," Jar Jar said as he pointed toward red arrows embedded in the ground.

Six other Grungans spotted Jar Jar. "Oh, dammit! Hesa find wesa!" The Grungan soldiers charged out of the underbrush and surrounded the newcomers. They then led the group to the ruins of the grand temple with massive stone heads scattered about. Boss Nasty and his council stood atop one of the sculptures.

"Jar Jar Stinks! Whysa can't we ever escapa yousa? Who's da uss'en others?"

The Queen stepped forward to answer for him. "I am Queen Imadolla of the Shamoo. I come before you in PMS...I mean peace!"

Boss Nasty gurgled. "Shamoo biggen. Yousa bringen da Mackineeks. Yousa all bombad. Am I makin sensa?"

Imadolla persevered. "We wish to form an alliance--"

Suddenly, Pet Me the handmaiden stepped forward, interrupting the Queen. "Your Honor..."

Still PMSing and forgetting her true identity, the Queen decoy became agitated. "Hey! Don't ever interrupt me, you lowly handmaiden!"

Pet Me, the real Queen, threw her a dagger glare and replied, "I am the real Queen, you foolish girl! Reality check!"

Eye-Gone and Obi-Gyn looked at each other, feeling pretty pissed off that the Queen had misled them that way, bruising their delicate male egos.

"What a bitch." Obi-Gyn mumbled under his breath.

"What did you say?" Eye-Gone asked.

"I said, what a bitch."

"You got that right."

Mannequin was stunned. The woman he had been so bratty towards, the woman he thought was only a handmaiden--she was the true Queen.

"Oh, shit..." Mannequin mumbled, trembling slightly.

Pet Me went on. "I am sorry for my deception, but it was necessary to protect myself and my emotions. A Queen would horribly intimidate most men, so I had to pretend to be an ordinary wench.

"Although we do not always agree, Your Honor--mainly because you're male and I'm female--our two societies have always lived in peace because we're boring, gutless characters. The Trade Federation has destroyed all that we have worked so hard to build..." as Pet Me began crying, she paused a moment to collect herself.

"I'm okay. I'm okay..." Pet Me said as she wiped her tears. Taking a deep breath, she continued.

"If we do not act quickly, all will be lost forever. I ask you to help us...no, I beg you to help us."

Pet me dropped to her knees and said, "We are your humble servants."

Surprised and quite delighted, Boss Nasty stared at her. Then he laughed heartily and said, "A beautiful young woman on her knees...mesa liken dis. Maybe wesa bein friends....real good friends."

Pet Me, realizing that the Grungan slob had misinterpreted her gesture, crinkled her nose while her jaw dropped in disgust.

The next morning, the surface of the Otah Grunga lake was smooth as a sheet of transparisteel (whatever the hell that is). Around the shore, not a single creature stirred, not even a mouse.

Then, suddenly, a great creature rose out of the swamp, shedding a great tent of water as it rose. It was unlike anything they'd ever seen before. He was quite large, dressed in red, had a white beard, and carried a sack full of gifts. Oh, wait a second...wrong story.

Several large creatures emerged from the water. They were enormous fambaas, bearing shield generators on their backs. Around their feet, an army of Grungans marched in ordered ranks of foot soldiers and cavalry mounted on kaadu. These dumb, wimpy creatures actually thought they had a chance of winning the battle, bless their hearts.

As the Grungans reached the edge of the swamp and started out onto the grassy plains of Shamoo, a smaller force crept into the Greed Palace. Pet Me, her ever-horny handmaidens, and the Jedi moved toward the main hangar, with Mannequin and R2-DooDoo in tow as liabilities.

A few meters short of the entrance, they waited. Great as it was, the Grungan force was no more than a ruse. The real attack would be quiet and precise--only a female could have conceived one so delicate and intricate. Pet Me planned to capture Viceroy Raygun and peel his ugly face off. At the same time, she would free her pilots, who would then attack the Trade Federation's droid control ship...or something like that.

Suddenly, blaster fire erupted on the far side of the palace, where Gary Larsen was drawing his latest comic. Battle droids went into high alert, rushing toward the fighting. Pet Me nodded to Eye-Gone. Captain Binaca had done his job, creating a second, smaller distraction, and did so without depressing anyone with his negative attitude. The group moved forward into the hangar.

In the throne room, Nuke Raygun called up a holographic image of the battle. "I thought the fighting was going to take place far from here! This is too close! I'm a cowardly, ugly wimp. I can't deal with this."

Darth Mole growled (oh, yesssss), "There is more to this. The Jedi are involved." He turned and strode out of the room, his sexy black robes swishing behind him, causing Ruin Haako's blood to rush southward.

Meanwhile, on the beautiful, peaceful, green rolling hills/battlefield...

The Grungans watched the tanks of the droid army assemble. The Grungan commander, General Ill, shouted, "Energize the shields! And somebody please get that damned pink drum-beating rabbit out of the way!"

Instantly, power beams shot out from the generators on each fambaa, linking with those to the right and left. An energy shield grew and spread like an umbrella until it covered the entire Grungan army, except for Jar Jar, who got trapped outside the protective dome.

Not a moment too soon. The Trade Federation bombardment fell just as the energy shield had formed. The Grungans sat impassively behind their shields as wave after wave of deadly energy beams sputtered against the powerful shield. The Grungans cheered. Meanwhile, Jar Jar kept beating against the dome begging to be let in, but everyone pretended not to see him.

OOM-69, the droid commander of oral sex, watched without emotion. The energy shield was too strong to breach. But that shield, he knew, was only good against laser blasts.

OOM-69 issued a command, and the tanks halted their firing. The nose of each wagon was opened up, revealing racks of battle droids. The droids emerged from their storage bins by the thousands, then transformed from their "69" positions into their upright battle modes.

As the droids neared the shield wall, the Grungans powered up their weapons.

The first line of droids reached the energy shield and stepped through easily. The shield had no power to stop the solidly built war machines, so basically the Grungans were screwed.

The Grungans opened fire. They hurled electropoles and flung cow patties. Catapults launched great globes of energy that splashed against the droids, causing them to short circuit. Hundreds of droids were destroyed in the fire blast. Thousands more came on, so basically the Grungans efforts were futile. Still, they kept fighting because they couldn't get a clue.

Captain Binaca watched the scene on the battlefield with a portable visual gadget. "Oh, gods! The Grungans have no chance against the droid army! We're all gonna die!"

Suddenly, Pet Me approached Binaca and slapped him across the face. "I've had it with your negativity! Get a grip!"

In the hangar, battle droids had detected the intruders and opened fire. Mannequin dove under a parked Shamoo fighter as the firing began. The two Jedi tore through the droids as Pet Me and her troops returned fire.

"Get to your ships!" the Queen ordered.

The Shamoo pilots broke away from the rest of the troops and made for the fighters. "Better find a new hiding place, kid," one of them yelled as she scrambled into the cockpit over Mannequin's head.

Mannequin looked around desperately as the fighter rose up and away, exposing him to enemy fire.

"When this is all over with, I'm going to call the Child Protection Agency!" Mannequin whined.

Suddenly, he heard a loud whistle. R2-DooDoo sat in the astromech droid socket of one of the remaining fighters. Mannequin scrambled up and hid in the astro human socket, otherwise known as the cockpit.

Pet Me and the Jedi fought the droids to a standstill, when suddenly new fire erupted behind the droids. Captain Binaca had broken through the guards on the far side of the palace, where Gary Larsen was still working on his comic strip. Binaca’s small diversionary force poured fire onto the destroyer droids, shattering the last of them.

The two small forces joined up, and headed for the throne room.

"Hey, wait for me!" Mannequin yelled.

"No, Mannequin," Eye-Gone said. "Stay where you are. You're safe there."

"But I..."

"Stay there," Eye-Gone firmly repeated.

Mannequin slumped back down into the cockpit.

The Jedi and the Shamoo rushed to the end of the hangar, intending to head straight for the palace. But as they reached a main doorway, their path was blocked by a figure shrouded in evil...deliciously dark, powerful, orgasmic Sithliness. As soon as Rabid and Sabid laid eyes on Darth Mole, they gasped and began hyperventilating, causing the others in the group to look at them in bewilderment.

"What the hell is wrong with the two of you?!" Pet Me asked.

"Nothing....Your...Highness..." Rabid said, trying to catch her breath.

Sabid was rendered speechless by the sight of the sexy Lord, drool running down her chin.

"We'll handle this," Eye-Gone said.

He and Obi-Gyn placed themselves between the Sith Lord and the Queen's handmaidens. After last night's romp with Sabid and Rabid, there was no way in hell Eye and Obi were going to let another man come between them and their women.

"We'll take the long way," the Queen said as she and the others moved off. Since she wasn’t in her usual royal garb, taking the long way wouldn’t pose much of a problem.

Darth Mole grinned eagerly. Dropping his robe, he then drew his light saber. One end lit up, glowing blood red. Then the other end lit up as well.

"Even his saber is bigger than the Jedi's!" Rabid remarked excitedly.

"Rabid and Sabid, get your asses over here!" Pet Me yelled as the two girls stood paralyzed by lust.

Reluctantly, they obeyed and followed the Queen to safety...boring, lousy, Darth Mole-less safety.

Centering themselves within the Force, the two Jedi waited as the Sith Lord lunged forward. He then began gracefully spinning, then blending into an arabesque.

"The Sith are trained in the ballet arts, too??" Obi-Gyn said, bewilderment on his young face.

"Yes! It helps us do a deadly dance around our enemies," Mole said as he swung his light saber, skimming the top of Eye-Gone’s hair.

"So what are you, Sith Scum--Dark Lord by day, ballet dancer by night?" Eye-Gone taunted him.

"Why, yes, Jedi Skank, that's about the sum of it," Darth Mole answered with dignity in his buttery silken and seductively mesmerizing voice.

From inside the fighter, Mannequin watched the two Jedi cross laser swords with Darth Mole. He admired how the Sith Lord moved with fluidity and feline grace, yet possessed such a lethal rage toward his opponents. His uniform was way better than the Jedi's as well.

"That guy is SO cool!" Mannequin exclaimed.

Just then, Fartoo's urgent bleeps caught his attention. Mannequin looked up to see ten destroyer droids wheel into the hangar bay and shift into battle mode, opening fire on Pet Me's troops. Mannequin then returned his attention to the battling Jedi and Sith Lord, since that was far more interesting.

Again, Fartoo bleeped uncontrollably at his boy companion.

"I know! I know! But the laser sword fight is so much more fun to watch!" Mannequin said.

After a few moments of debate, Fartoo convinced Mannequin to assist Pet Me and her troops by reminding him of the distinct possibility he might just get lucky with her should she survive.

"Oh, all right. What do you suggest?"

The droid bleeped. A moment later, the ship's systems went on line.

"Great idea! I'll take over!"

Mannequin searched for the right button. He pressed one, but the windshield wipers began moving, causing Fartoo to protest.

"I know that was the wrong button!" Manni exclaimed.

He then pushed another button, which activated the CD player. The sound of Twitney Tears echoed through the large hangar bay.

“Please make it stop! I can’t bear it!” Fartoo pleaded in shrill beeps.

Failing to find the right button to deactivate the horrible sound, Mannequin smashed the CD player with his foot.

About thirty minutes later, Mannequin finally found the correct button and began blasting at the destroyer droids. However, they were nowhere in sight, as they had moved on to the Queen and her troops, prompting Mannequin to emerge from the cockpit. R2-DooDoo bleeped loudly in response.

"But Eye-Gone said to get up and roam around."

"He did not!" Fartoo said.

"Hey, you can speak basic??" Mannequin asked, completely amazed.

"Sure I can."

"Then why do you always go around beeping and chirping?"

"It just sounds so much cuter, don't you agree?"

"I guess so, except when you make farting noises."

Just then, the ship began moving, causing Mannequin to fall back into the pilot seat.

"Now what did you do, stupid human boy?!" R2-DooDoo asked.

"Hey! I think I preferred it when you just chirped adorably. I didn't do anything! It's on automatic pilot!"

The star fighter swooped up and out of the atmosphere, quickly gaining on a squadron of matching fighters racing toward the stars.

Meanwhile, Eye-Gone tried to keep the Sith Lord occupied while Obi-Gyn worked his way behind. But Darth Mole moved with laser speed, always keeping the two Jedi in front of him, spinning away whenever the Jedi got the advantage.

"He's too damn efficient, Master!" Obi said, already puffing for breath.

"Don't wimp out on me now, Padawan!" Eye-Gone remarked, causing Darth Mole to snicker.

Eye-Gone felt the strength in the Sith Lord's arm--strength enhanced by the fury of the dark side.

Reading the Jedi's thoughts, Mole said, "Oh, yes, the dark side is strong, but what you're feeling are my muscles made of steel. It comes from lifting weights ten hours a day. The chicks really dig it."

Eye-Gone ignored Mole's words and strength, and centered himself in the Force--the totally Jedi thing to do. Darth Mole thought to himself that if he really wanted to piss off the Jedi, he could taunt them about how Rabid and Sabid desired him madly to the point of total submission.

As Mole began a pirouette, he said, "The pull of the dark side is irresistible to women. They find men who wear black incredibly sexy."

"Why are you telling me this??" Eye-Gone asked, taking another swing at Lord Mole, their sabers crackling against each other.

"Because I know it's been some time since you've gotten any."

"Hmph! Goes to show what you know. We just got laid last night," Obi-Gyn declared.

"Only because your women needed to relieve some pent-up sexual lust for me," Mole announced.

"Bastard! You lie! What woman would find you attractive?" Eye-Gone seethed.

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true," Mole replied.

"Nooooooooooooooo!!!!" Obi-Gyn cried.

The battle droid commander OOM-69 gave the signal to send in destroyer droids. Hundreds of droids rolled out of Trade Federation transports and through the Grungan's deflector shield, transforming themselves into deadly killing machines. The Grungans blasted the destroyer droids, but the Trade Federation droid army continued to move forward. It's a wonder any Grungans survived at all. Poor Jar Jar was still left stranded outside the shield. What a pity...not.

Meanwhile, in space...

In the lead fighter, Ric Oily was so intent on the Trade Federation battleship that he hardly noticed a stray kitten joining his squadron.

"Hey! No animals allowed to blast ships!"

The kitten meowed sweetly in protest, but Ric would not be swayed.

"Scat! Get out of here!"

Just then, another stray joined his squadron.

"Gods, what is it about me that attracts these drifters?" Ric mumbled to himself.

"This is intense!" Manni exclaimed. Blaster fire exploded around his star fighter. R2-DooDoo spat a stream of insulting beeps.

"Fartoo, please stop badgering me! It's not helping any. Get us off this autopilot. It's gonna get us both killed."

"No, your constantly pushing the wrong buttons is going to get us killed," Fartoo replied.

Meanwhile, Darth Mole gloried in his power. Hell, we all glory in his power. With fierce thrusts (say what??), he drove the two Jedi backward, out of the hangar bay and toward a power generator. (Author's note here: These Lucas people can't understand why we lust after Maul, and then they use words like 'fierce thrusts' and Maul in the same sentence? Come on, people!)

Anyway, then Goldilocks tried the medium sized bed and it was just right....oops, sorry, my mind wandered a moment.