Rating:      NC-17 (Implied Rape)
Disclaimer: All Star Wars characters are the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm. No profit is being made by writing or publishing this story.
Summary:  A recently Knighted Jedi becomes bored with her duties and ends up prey for Maul. She tells her story through her journal.
Feedback:  Savage@cinci.rr.com
Initial posting: On DMEB2.

The Journals.

I finally made it. I am a Jedi Knight.

I completed the trials and the ceremony was last night - me and three other Padawans. Master Qui-Gon said he was very proud of me - I had been a fine student and would make an excellent Knight. I know I haven't been exactly what he might have liked in the beginning - there are many levels where I have not excelled. My fighting skills are below par, certainly, and Qui-Gon is one of the finest with a lightsaber. I know I will never be assigned to the long deep-space or dangerous missions like I thought I would when I was younger. Most of my time will still be spent in the Jedi Temple, doing research and general diplomacy assignments in charted, know territories. That's all right. I am a Knight now, which is what matters. It's not that I have just resigned myself to this "fate" or whatever, I think I will be at peace with it. My Master has taught me that well.

This is Qui-Gon's idea - this journal. He actually suggested it when he first named me as his Padawan, but I never did it. He suggested it again at the ceremony and this time it did seem like a good idea. So, this is the beginning of my story as a Jedi Knight. Maybe I'll start a new one when I become a Master, if they make diplomatic Knights Masters. I will have to look into it. I wonder what my chances are?

Standard year 44167 - W24, D14

Well, this is it. I'm going on my first real mission as a Jedi Knight. I thought I would pack this journal so I can write my observations as I go along. No time to write now - I have to get ready to leave.

Standard year 44167 - W25, D9

Obviously I forgot to take this with me. Oh well. Not a whole lot really happened with the mission anyway. There was a dispute between two factions and civil war seemed fairly inevitable, but as it turns out the whole thing was a big misunderstanding and they made peace pretty quickly. They really didn’t need the help of the Jedi, they only needed to get in the same room and talk instead of yell and accuse. I guess that is also a part of our duties - not always mediator, but sometimes just the ones who bring people together. I was optimistic about the mission before, but now I'm a little disheartened by the whole thing. I barely spoke at the meetings. There was no need to. My diplomacy skills went virtually unused. I hope this is not going to be a large amount of my work. I might go insane if it is!

There was one odd thing - I wasn't even going to write it down except it was more interesting than the mission itself. When it was over and we had a few hours before our transport was to depart, I joined two other Knights in a cantina while we waited. We didn't drink anything but water, of course, so there's no sordid story to tell, but I did sense an odd presence that took me a little aback. It was a very strong sensation, so strong I didn't have to look around the room to locate where it was coming from. I looked straight at him. A man in the back of the bar, a cloak covering most of his features. He was just…looking at me. Or maybe the group of us, I don't know. His eyes seemed to glow from under the hood, like a Jawa's, but I'm sure that was just a trick of the light. He obviously had some significant Force-signature or I wouldn't have felt him so readily. I looked at Hannah and Velt, but it was obvious that they had not noticed him. When I looked back he was gone. No where to be seen and I could no longer feel any disturbance at all. Strange, huh? I should have still been able to feel his presence, even if he had left the room. Made me think just the vapors from the bar were too much for me! Probably imagined the whole thing, trying to make the day more exciting than it really was. Maybe I'm not cut out for the scholar life after all.

Standard year 44167 - W29, D2

I was meditating last night before I went to bed, just like I always do. There was no warning or feeling preceding his appearance - he was just there. He was sitting at the same table in the same cantina, only this time I was sitting with him. I could still hear the murmuring of all those around us, but the sounds were muffled. The only thing I could focus my eyes and ears on was him. He's not human, that was obvious. His skin was bright red and he's covered in black tattoos. Or maybe it's the other way around - red on black. I don't know. I could see horns under his hood - I think they must go all around his head. His eyes look like they're on fire. His lips never moved but I could hear him speaking to me inside my head - he said he was looking for me - he wanted me, needed me. I reached out to touch his hands, folded on the table in front of him, encased in black gloves. My hand passed right through his and I was on the floor of my room again.

I don't know what to think of this vision, or of the time I saw him before. Anyone with that strong of a link to the Force would have to be a Jedi, yet I have never seen him or heard of him before. I find myself thinking about him, especially now that I know what he looks like a bit more. I feel I should tell someone else - one of the other Knights, Master Qui-Gon - I just don't think I can. Even when I think about what I would say, it sounds ridiculous. I'm seeing things, probably just due to the normal stress of becoming a Knight and not being 100% happy with my assignments. What if I can't handle it? What if this shows them I am not worthy of the title I now hold? No, I don't think I will tell anyone. At least not for now.

Standard year 44167 - W30, D15

It's been a couple weeks since I wrote anything. He always comes during meditation now. It's kind of funny - Master Qui-Gon praised me yesterday for keeping up with my meditation. It was never a strong point when I was his Padawan. I wonder what Qui-Gon would think if he knew I meditated not for peace, but to see him again? I can speak with him now and he answers me. He will not tell me his name or where he is, only that he is close - he is watching me. I try to touch him every time, but I never can, my hand always passes through him like he's some sort of ethereal spirit and my concentration wavers and the meditative state deteriorates. Maybe he's the ghost of some long-forgotten Jedi that's haunting me because I live in the room he once occupied. I don't know. He won't tell me anything about himself, only that he wants me. Wants me for what? He just smiles and I can see this strange flickering in his eyes. I am afraid of him, and I tell him that. He laughs at me and says "Fear is my ally". I don't know what he means, but instead of feeling at peace when I come back from meditation I am sweating, shaking and sometimes physically sick. So why do I want, more than anything, to meditate more?

Standard year 44168 - W3, D11

He was in my dreams last night.

It was completely different than meditation. I could touch him and he could touch me. I haven't had dreams like that since I was in puberty. That's how I feel - like some overly hormonal teenager with her first crush on a teacher. He's not significantly older than I, at least, not in appearance. He could be eons old, for all I know. I don't think he's a ghost, and I have seen enough of him now to know he must be from Iridonia, like Master Koth. In my dream he kissed me and it was like Force-propelled electricity shooting through my entire body. It was so intense the dream ended immediately and I had to take a shower to cool off.

Standard year 44168 - W19, D5

I am frightened. I should have told Qui-Gon in the beginning, but I think it's far too late now. I haven't written anything for a long time - months, I think. I had to look at a calendar to see what day it was. Other Masters and Knights keep asking what is wrong with me, and I have been asked to appear before the Jedi counsel tomorrow. I can't blame them, I have been acting strange. I can't concentrate on anything. I do not seek the company of others any more. I can't remember the last time I even ate anything. He occupies every thought I have, day or night. The Counsel is right to be concerned. I'm concerned, but I have no idea how to pursue this. I don't know what I can say to them. I can't lie - it would be far too obvious. Also, I cannot tell them about him. Maybe I could have before, but not now. Not now that I know he is real. He has been here in the temple and he is not a Jedi. I don't know what he is, but when he was close to me it wasn't just energy I felt, like I have when practicing lightsaber skills with one of the old Masters - this energy is dark and encompassing. I couldn't breathe.

I was in the dorm showers after sparring practice with some of the other young Knights, and he was just suddenly there. I could feel him come up behind me - I knew it was him right away. Just like in meditation and my dreams I always know immediately when he comes to me. I could feel his hand running from my neck, down my spine to my backside. I just froze - couldn't move at all. As I said, I couldn't even breathe. He could. I felt his breath on my neck before his mouth touched my shoulder, licking me there and biting gently at my skin. His hands and lips felt hot to me, even with the warm water from the shower around us - I will have to check the databases and see if Iridonians have a higher body temperature than humans. I felt his hand move lower, between my legs. I swear my body must have a mind of its own - I moved my legs apart so he would have better access to me. His fingers touched and teased me while he bit down on my neck, his other hand holding my shoulder pinned to the wall of the shower. I was nearing orgasm when I heard voices in the corridor outside the shower. Then he was just gone, but not like other times when he would just seem to vanish. He was there - a physical form that moved back into the shadows and left quickly before others arrived. He just left me there, panting against the shower wall, unsatisfied. But he had been there. He was…he IS real.

I turned the water off and wrapped up in a towel. There were three other Knights in the room changing and discussing lightsaber theory when I walked out of the shower cell. By then I had convinced myself that I was going crazy, the stress was too much for me and I was hallucinating. I was going to get dressed and go right to Qui-Gon when I saw myself in the mirror. The marks from him biting me were clearly visible. One of his teeth had even punctured my skin.

Standard year 44168 - W19, D6

I understand what he wants now. It's beyond my comprehension, really, but I am getting the idea. He needs me. We have to join together to defeat his Master - the evil one. He's not really evil, like I thought he was. His energy is strong, but the dark feeling I get he says comes from his Master. He wants to be free of him, but needs my help. He says I am the only Jedi with the strength to help him. I never really thought of myself as strong, but he says it's hidden inside me and the Masters haven't realized it yet. He gave me the words to tell the Jedi Counsel when they summoned me. I don't even remember what I told them, but they must have believed me. Maybe I do have strength if I could lie to them.

He said I should leave tonight. He told me where to go - where to meet him. I am both frightened and anxious. I want to help him. I need to help him. It's what Jedis do, isn't it? We are supposed to help those who need it, so why do I feel this is different? I know there is danger is leaving, especially without telling anyone where I'm going. Maybe that's why I'm leaving. Maybe this isn't enough for me - just to be the Jedi scholar. I think I need more, and maybe this task, though it hasn't been assigned to be by a Jedi Master, will show them I am worthy of more difficult venues.

What if he's wrong? What if I'm not strong enough? I decided to leave this journal behind, just in case something happens. Maybe someone will find this and understand. Who am I kidding? I don't even understand it! But I am going. I don't think I could resist him, even if I tried. Odd, I still don't know his name.

End of Journal

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Medical Examiner's Report

Standard year 44168 - W20, D6

Subject: Melannah Hax, Jedi Knight

"Autopsy begun at oh-six-hundred. Obvious bruising and puncture wounds over most of the body, concentrated on the genital area. Skin around wrists and ankles has been rubbed raw, the marks consistent with the burn marks of synthetic ropes. This indicates the subject was conscious and struggling for at least part of the time she was in the attacker or attackers' custody. These wounds are relatively minor and do not point to a cause of death. The most probable cause of death is the collapsed trachea, though there is no external bruising to indicate the method of constricting the throat to cause this collapse. The representatives of the Jedi Temple have asked the body not be unduly mutilated if sufficient cause of death can be determined by outside observations, so no internal exam will be performed. Perp is most probably a strong force-user. There were no bodily fluids, skin, etc. around the body, under the nails or internally to determine a DNA profile for the attacker. Authorities are advised to begin investigating a case of rape-murder. End of report."

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Journal of Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master

Standard year 44168 - W20, D7

After reading the autopsy notes I do not feel any better. I blame myself for not recognizing the mental state of my former Padawan earlier. There were signs, but I assumed them to be the normal stress of a new Jedi Knight. I have read her journal, discovered in her room when her personal affects were removed. I do not know what this creature is, if he does exist. Part of me wishes to believe it was in her mind, and wherever she intended to go that night simply took her to the wrong place at the wrong time, but I simply cannot believe that. But if that is not the case, what is this creature? What is his goal, and has he completed his task? Was Melannah his only target, or will he continue preying on another young Knights? Further investigation, without the Coruscant legal authorities, is needed.

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Journal Entry, Standard year 44168 - W20, D7

When my Master instructed me to find a useful way to release my instincts, as he put it, I had no idea it would be so satisfying. The combination of the deception, the lust, the blood and the destruction of a Jedi will make it difficult not to pursue such an adventure again. But my Master says that is too risky, and he is undoubtedly correct, as always. But it was all so easy and she so accepting. To watch her desire turn to terror was exquisite. Perhaps a similar chance will present itself once we have revealed our presence to the Jedi. I would welcome the opportunity a second time. This one was delicious.

End